Welcome home to your true Self.

Even ‘roller coaster’ is not enough to describe the process. It is more like a whole amusement park. There are tons of different rides so first I had to recognize which are the most important ones for me. I wondered my self-image from distorted mirrors and explored my fears in a ghost train. I visited a fast train to air my mental models and ended up in a Ferris wheel to take a look at my future from a higher perspective. The amusement park was quite an experience but when I left there I was full of joy, happiness and clarity. I knew I could keep these feelings in the swirls of the world as well.

Why have I always thought that I was a bad child? Have I really ever got over it? Why do I remember only my failures and negative emotions? It feels like there is nothing else left in my head. Why do I remember myself only as an annoying, stupid and harmful child? Of course I have been that but it is not the whole truth. I have been and am so much more.

Flying through the mountains of clarity and strength, diving through the depths of pain and suffering, rallying through the fields of freedom and confidence, walking through the flames of shame and jealousy, till the very core of your being where you find the joy and flow of life.

This gratitude theme is pissing me off. I should always be so f*cking grateful for everything but I am tired to write those damn same things of my life every time. I am still grateful for my family, food, friends and all that.

I feel like I am on a small boat drifting in the ocean. I feel like I am alone in my energy and I can’t feel others. It is just me. It is hard to see light in this situation but then sometimes there comes a light of a lighthouse. A light that reminds me that this is part of the process. A light that shows me that I am not lost but on the way. The light keeps me moving even though times are hard. Now I have to just follow it a little bit longer. Then I can shine the light within.

I sit in a space full of blue and pink light. From my heart, I am connected to the heights and loving Mother Earth. I am sitting in a circle with all other participants, almost 40 souls. From our hearts, we are all connected. These connections form a web to the centre of the circle. In this web, all of us are healing each other. There is an unlimited space for healing that we can provide together. Let everyone release their pain and the web will heal it. Let everyone celebrate the positive and the web will strengthen it.

I am the change in my family. The one who cleans my own and the intergenerational traumas and burdens, and builds a new, healthy life. While this is everything but an easy path, I carry the responsibility with pride and love. I am strong and brave when I dare to heal and make change. My heart tells me that this is the way. When time passes, we will all feel much better.

I hate this. All my creations. There is absolutely nothing in these. I feel like I am continuously lacking something and sounding like an idiot when I write only from one perspective. I hate every word I write to this document because it is not enough and it doesn’t represent anything I really think. I hate language and how much it is restricting me. I hate myself for being so fucking boring and not having any ideas myself and not coming up with anything of my own. At some points of my life I used to be creative and have my own ideas, and where have they all gone and why is there nothing else left but the ability to organize what others do? There is no “me” in what I am creating.

The dog we saw was nice and a dog hotel feels like a good idea. I would really want to have a dog or at least meet them regularly. They bring me such joy and not just for the meeting but a long time afterwards. Even it feels sad that we can’t have a dog, I realize that it doesn’t fit our everyday life yet. But now it is time to do something for having dogs in my life in a way or another. And I know you like dogs as well!

I forgive myself for leaving things undone because of my own process and wellbeing. I forgive myself that I am not always capable to fulfill all my promises when situations change and more important things come up. I forgive myself for not being able to stay so much in contact with other people. At the same time, I am grateful for being able to value my own wellbeing, rest and mental processes. I am grateful for being able to say no. I am grateful that I don’t force myself to do things when it is not necessary. I am grateful for being able to just be.